ThInK YoU KnOw?

I am on a 24 hour champagne diet....

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:47:41 GMT

Just a few updates.

I have been seeing my number 1 for a while.

Basically....

In the middle of October, I went to his house like normal and then....he kissed me and I pushed away, but then just kinda went with it.

So, one thing led to another and I ended up spending the night....and the night after that...and the night after that.....etc. etc. etc.

Don't worry, still a member of the V-Squad!

But, I have come to care about this guy so so much. Its ridiculous. I see him all the time. Its amazing.

With my ex, I wanted things to work so badly. But I didn't really see that....well....they just weren't going well. He and I didn't mesh as well as I thought we would.

But with this guy, I feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, worthy etc. etc.

I know it is incredibly too soon.

This is why we are not official. We act like it, but it is still the principle. I got out of a two year relationship almost 3 months ago.

But things are so so good with him. Its like a mature kind of love, not the obsessive first love kind of love.

I am at his house right now. lol.

<3

Let me know if there are any questions or anything.

Well uh....

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:01:33 GMT

Hmm.

Well.

Taurean and I kissed yesterday.

Or I kissed him. But he kissed back?

Will discuss later. lol.

Relapse

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 07:49:28 GMT

I was doing good you know? I was doing really good and I was proud of myself. Or starting to anyway. I stopped myself from crying a few times and kept myself busy and even cooled it with some guys. Me and my number 1 are doing good too, he seems to really understand and be supportive of my situation too.

But then everything just kinda crashed from yesterday to today.

First I started my fucking period, which, some women view as a catharsis and cleansing experience, but it just drains and irritates the fuck out of me.

Second, I saw T for the first time in almost two weeks yesterday. It felt good seeing him, and I hated feeling like that. And he fucking shaved and redid his hair and he looked so nice and clean cut and I wanted to fucking melt into the ground because I had this fucking zit on my cheek that WILL NOT GO AWAY.

But no, his face was clean and clear and he looked happy and I tried to look happy too. (We were at a meeting that he was leading). Sometime into the meeting he asked me if I had practice afterward and I said no. (I did NOT mention that I was going to see my number 1. His house had gotten broken into that afternoon and he wanted to see me.)

So as we are saying goodbye to everyone, T gives me a half hug, says his usual "it was good to see you" and I start walking away. Then he says hey, I think I am going to the USF library tonight.

And leaves it at that.

When we were dating, I gave him my password and log in info so he could use the library whenever he wanted.

Well, I said very cool-ly "Ok" and hopped in my car. But my intentions were to go over to my number one's house and then stop by the USF library just before it closed so that I could see T. (I know, I am a fucking idiot).

While I was driving, I think T started to follow me and then he realized I was going the complete opposite way of the school and so he drove off.

Well, I get to my number one's house and I try my best to make him feel better. My plan was to stay there long enough to show that I was supportive to him as a friend and then head out. Because I didn't want any miscommunication.

So I ended up staying for an hour and a half and then I decide to make my exit. Well, I get to the library and lo and behold, T wasn't there.

He had already left.

Ouch.

I know. I'm a fucking idiot.

So I text him and he confirmed that he did indeed leave and he said Sorry. And I said its ok. Just wanted to see if you wanted food. And he said yes, that WOULD'VE BEEN great. So I can see where this is going but I try pushing my luck anyway. "Do you want to meet somewhere to eat?" I ask. He replies "Aww, I don't think I should be comin in and out of the house right now, and besides I don't want you to have to spend any money! If it were from home, maybe. lol" And I said Oh. And I tried to push my luck AGAIN and said well...I have stuff here, but I can't cook it. And I listed off what I had over at my apartment. And eventually he said "Aww thanks. I will take a raincheck tho. I appreciate it. Don't think it goes unnoticed".

What the fuck does that even mean?

So I got my fucking hopes up for nothing.

I KNOW. I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.

So I head to my apartment, can't sleep and it shows on my face. I think because I am "menstrating" my body was like, well damn. Everything else is breaking down, so why not the rest of us. So my fatigue shows all over me, the past few weeks of disappointment and depression. And the teacher I tutor for even said I didn't look too good.

I got to home today also. And I got to talk to my number 1 a little bit more today and he was making me feel better, saying he is here for me, and he finally said he is here for me as a friend. And has my back. So. That's good. I guess. I need to be by myself right now, probably.

I just hate how, with something like this, time is the only thing that fixes things. With time comes answers and new perspectives and a sense of belonging and feelings of heartbreak goes away.

In conclusion, my relapse came because of fucking ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

All you need is love. Really? REALLY?. That's the advice you give me. Well, I don't fucking buy it.

So I was feeling sappy and nostalgic and I went into my old room, and I saw the calendar of us T gave me for our 5 month anniversary. I was looking throught it and I saw that I had documented EVERY FUCKING THING in that stupid stupid calendar. I saw when we hung out, when we fought etc. etc. etc. And you know, it was like I was transported back through time and I could visually see when we had our good times and when it all went straight to hell. I saw him. A LOT. Early on in the relationship I mean. I wrote in when I was over at his house, which was also a lot and how often we saw movies and just damn. We really saw each other a lot. I pretty much made it a point to see him every single weekend and more, even tho I was at UCF. It was crazy.

And by the end of our relationship, I saw him.....4 times in that month. A two year relationship and I saw my boyfriend 4 times. We live only 30 mins away from each other. That's one day a week. I didn't even sleep over or anything. Oh and one of those times was when he broke up with me the first time and took it back.

So basically, I am just feeling really sad and achey and tired right now. Probably cuz it is that time of the month. Next week will be better. And anyway, next week will mark that one month of singleness.

I can do this.

I just wonder if he ever thinks about me. Or if this hurts him as much as it does me?

Probably not.

He isn't the one having to build himself back up from scratch and missing pieces.

(P.S.- I agree with K-Fresh. The journal entries from you all make me feel less alone. Please keep them coming.)

5:24

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 09:37:49 GMT

Do you know how many break up songs there are in the universe?

A trillion.

Don't Speak.
My Immortal.
Anytime.
If I Were A Boy.
You'll Think Of Me.

I hate how everything reminds me of him.

I feel as if right now, I am past the point of missing him. I am at that point where I am so angry and just hurt. He broke up with ME. ME. Of all people. I did everything for me. I LIVED for him. I did the whole fucking relationship for him. All he had to do was just sit there and enjoy the fucking ride. He always told me he kept getting screwed over by girls. I was there for him. I stood by him. I loved him unconditionally. I didn't ask for anything. If he yelled or got upset I patiently waited it out. I forgave him. I ALWAYS forgave him. I overlooked everything. I just wanted a fraction of that love back. I trusted him. I loved him. I love him. I hate him. He's the cruelest person in the world. I should believe that. But I don't. I don't hate him. I just can't believe he did this to me. After everything I did. Everything I gave.

But its all on him.

HE is going to realize I was amazing for him and he let someone great go.

v_v

I don't want to rely on other guys to distract me. (I have been slightly.)

I am going to do that whole independent single thing. But you know what?

I am determined not to be a guarded asshole like him. I will be cautious and take things slowly but just as loving as before.

"Sorry! I missed your call!"

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 09:17:46 GMT

^^^^ Biggest lie I have told the past few weeks.

I just LOVE how, as soon as you let it known that you are not with someone anymore (I hate the words "single" and "ex-boyfriend" btw) THATS when people (in particularly MEN) view it as a fucking invitation.

I have ignored numerous texts and phone calls, but its hardly made a dent.

I mean, that doesn't say much about their character right? Trying to hook up when they know I am in a potentially vulnerable state right now?

Quick review of the men: (Names witheld, so I will put where I know them):

1. MODEL- This is the main guy I have allowed myself to talk to. I know him from my modeling troupe. He works as a career guidance counselor at a high school, is a football, basketball and track coach and has his own house. Over the past two weeks, things have kind of escalted and when I was at his house, I made myself leave because I did not want to get physically intimate with him. (It began with slight cuddling, and I didn't want it to escalte to more than that) He is the one I could be attracted to, but I am trying not to get attached. I don't trust anyone.

2. TUTOR- This guy I know from work. He is cool and we can relate. He has invited me to his house as well, and we have hung out but, again, I don't want him to get the wrong idea. We are just friends.

3. HOS- This guy is from working at BG this month. I met him auditioning and he was kool. He kept asking my best friend to tell me he said hi, and I recently saw him as we work in the same Scary House. He repeatedly asks me out but here is the thing. He does not want me to know his age and he thought I was older than what I was. (He guessed 23. When I said 20 he nearly had a heart attack.) This guy is the absolute friendliest, but I know he is probably in his thirties. And he has a daughter as well. No thanks.

4. DOLLAR TREE- This guy I actually met while shopping at DT where he is an employee. He was showing me something and then we started talking. I let him know I go to USF and he goes to HCC but he studies at USF. Anyway, I left the store and I hear someone call my name and it was him. He said "You know, USF is a big place so can I maybe have your number?" That was cute. And he called once, and I told him to text me. He text me a few times and asked to hang out. I told him I just got out of a relationship and he said "Well, I can't speak for another man's mistake, all I can be is myself. But I'm sure I can more than compensate". Hm. Well. I have only talked to him that one day, he hasn't tryed contacting me again. But to be honest, I can't remember how he looks.

(Those are the guys who have been actively asking me out.)

Others:
5. ANOTHER MODEL
6. RANDOM ONE LINERS

Ugh.

All I want is the one who doesn't want me back. v_v

I have even thought about asking Taurean if we could just be FWB's or something. No strings attached. But I can't ask that. I can't bring myself to downgrade to that level. No No.

I just want him.

18 days since he broke ~~up with~~ me.

v_v

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 06:39:53 GMT

Just when I think I am doing better....

the nights come.

And you can't run away from your dreams-or nightmares.

1 week since he broke ~~up with~~ me.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 23:20:43 GMT

I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met him.
I wish I never met

1 for every month we were together. And an almost finished one because he broke up with me 3 days before our 2 year and 1 month mark.

Love let me down.

August 31st

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:31:43 GMT

He broke up with me.

Staying busy.

VOTE FOR ME

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:49:11 GMT

MS. GUYANA!

I am in 2nd place and I couldn't stand if one of those silly girls beat me! lol.

http://ctr.usf.edu/cce/contestants/

We are what we have been waiting for

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 06:12:51 GMT

I asked him if he knew where I was coming from when I said I was in love, or if he thought I was crazy. He text me back that he thinks he knows where I am coming from and said No he does not think I am crazy.

A few minutes later, he called me (something he rarely does) and he told me that he wants to get to that next level with me, whether it be falling in love or whatever comes after, but he feels there are some blocks. He said he wants so much to get to know me. All of me. So he then asked me questions and we talked for the next two hours and I let him in on the make-up of me.

He thanked me for opening up, and said he was so happy to be with me.

I am head over heels for him.

What's up with all these livejournal postings lately?

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:29:42 GMT

I'm a crazy.

Basically wanted to say that I love T so so much and I miss him and hate sleeping without him and blllahhh I am a crazy.

Bah.

::Shakes head::

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:35:52 GMT

Well.

Open mouth insert foot.

I give up on giving advice/voicing my opinion.

I'm so so sorry.

I give up

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 02:14:05 GMT

I fucking give up on everything.

I am just done.

My boyfriend

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 05:08:54 GMT

just text me:

OMG! BABY I JUST HAD A DREAM YOU BROKE UP WITH ME? Are you still mad at me? lol.

ARGGGHHHHH why must he be so fucking cute?

I definitely melted.

Makes me angry sometimes but I love him with my entire being.

Ok, I can't take it anymore: Here is my 2 cents... actually my quarter...

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:29:26 GMT

I am on TEAM KELSEYDEEANDCHRISTOPH.

And let me tell you why.

I can't say how much they love each other, but I can say I know how much they care about each other.

So this whole thing ya'll are going through is making me sick to my stomach because I KNOW this. And I keep fucking rooting for you both!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

I remember when you, Mr. Oh-So-Cool Christoph, had the HUGEST crush on Kelseydeedle when I was still at the Dub-C. You couldn't stop talking about her. She was/is your dream girl. And Kelsey, you hadn't just yet realized your true feelings for Christoph.

When Kelsey went to Europe for that month, I felt so horrible because Christy would text me and call and he just said how much he missed her and he felt sick because she wasn't there. I truly didn't think he would last that month. And he even had ME counting the days until she came back. Shoot.

And I mean Chris, you had a few set backs with other girls who shall not be named but you knew deep inside how you felt about Kelsey. That's why they never lasted.

And when I was at UCF and ya'll got together, I wanted to scream all the way from Orlando, FINALLLY. OH MY LORD, FINNNNNNNNNALLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY.

Love is sick. Love is twisted. Well, actually, the path to LOVE is sick and twisted and sometimes you make wrong turns and you reach dead ends and you get tired and you just want to turn around and go back home to where its safe. There are many obstacles, many hurdles and worst of all, there is no map leading you to that destination. And when you stop and ask for directions, that just prolongs the trip. Because each path to love is different. Noone can provide you with directions because they have no idea where the fuck you are going. There's only two options. Go back to where you came from, which is a short, less stressful trip. Or you can make that long and arduous trip towards love, blindly, not knowing your way, but rather feeling it. And when you reach that destination, its the greatest place to be. That pathway back to where you came from will be erased. You won't have any rememberance of it but a faint distant memory as if from a dream you woke up from long ago. And anyway, all you have now to go is forward.

I hope you both find what you are looking for/what you want. And I wish it leads to the same place.

It's like what K-Fresh said

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 04:20:04 GMT

maybe I need to be a little more aggressive.

Maybe I need to speak up a little more.

I feel like I have been missing out on so much shit because I am too "accomodating" or too "nice" or too whathefuckever.

Me not speaking up is not getting me anywhere, I am just stuck in the same fucking place.

This week I missed out on a pretty big promotion because I am "still too nice". "I'd like to see you get meaner." "Maybe next year."

....................................................

And right now, I am missing out on my dream relationship because I let Ta--I mean what his face do whatever the fuck he wants to!

I try to bend gender roles because he hates them so I pay for everything. Which I am not trying to flaunt. I like being able to take care of someone I love. He mentions all the time that I do too much. But he doesn't do anything to stop me or anything.

Whenever we hang out is dictated by him. How come on my days off I want to spend it all with him, but on his days off he wants to spend it all without me?

I feel so unwanted right now and uncared about and just tossed to the side.

My boyfriend is a jerk

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 04:53:35 GMT

But he's not.

Sigh.

I'm gonna stop using his name in here because live journal posts totally pop up if you were to type someone's name.

So not down with that.

Anyway, you're probably thinking what did he do now.

Well, Sean Kingston (I loooveee him)is gonna be at Wild Splash which is a concert this Saturday. And I KEPT bringing it up to whatshisface and he was like oh I don't know. Well, I finally asked him yesterday. And he said oh, I think I am working. You should totally go tho.

FUCKER!

ARGH.

He knows that I don't have any friends now, and I cannot go to a fucking concert like that by myself. The world is NOT a good place.

It just really makes me upset because he knows that and also he knows that I had to give up the John Legend concert.

v_v

I wonder if he knows that HE is the reason why I had to give up that concert.

After he text that he couldn't go, I just text back oh.

And he didn't text me back!

What a jerk. I wonder if he knows how much fucking grief he causes me sometimes.

I love him. I do. I just feel so....not wanted sometimes.

I feel like I am always saying "ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUYOUMEANTHEWORLDTOMEILOVEYOU!" to which he responds with "THANKS. I KNOW."

And when I am upset I can never figure out how to feel better. Sometimes I will talk to other guys and flirt but that only makes me feel worse.

Whatever.

I hate him.

Ok not really.

I am rambling. Blah.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Fill another cup up, feelin on your butt WHAT?

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 07:28:44 GMT

Oh Jamie Foxx. You SLAY me.

So, how about some updates.

* I lost some of my BFs because they are fucking dumb. I am done with that ridiculous bullshit. I realize that I don't really need anyone really. Only a select few.

* My Nana (my mother's mom) passed away on February 17th. I went to New Jersey on the 19th. I drove in an hour in NC then I drove the entire way in VA, Maryland, DE to our hotel in NJ. 7 1/2 hours. I got to see my sisters which was amazing. I miss them and the babies. v_v I came back a week later and drove 10 hours.

* School = Epic Fail. I don't think I am failing per say. But my grades are def. not gonna be straight A's like usual. Blah.

* The week I came back from NJ was hell week. I had so much shit to make up. I was def. on the verge of tears all the time. Make up exams AND make up practices. BLAH.

* I had my FINAL audition for a modeling troupe I want to be in. The past month was a probationary period. You are not in the troupe until you do your first show. Well....I made it into 3 scenes and my show is on APRIL 18TH! Hopefully I make it through and then when I DO I am officially in! Yay!

* I am SO happy to say that Taurean is literally my best friend now. ^_^ Before, I didn't even consider him AS a friend, everything was so rushed, but he has been there for me through so much, and so many shitty friends and I realize how much he cares about me. It is SO much fun to joke around with him and talk to him about everything. We still have a few few few things to smooth over, this is still really new, but he is my baby! I loooooove him ^_^. Its been a year and 7 months!

* Another Taurean bullet... I told him I wanted to go on a real date. Like a first date all over again...so he asked me out, picked me up from my house, took me to Macaronni Grill where we talked about our favorite subject for HOURS (how we got together lol) and then we went to see WATCHMEN. (Pretty good!) And then he took me home and we sat in my driveway and talked. It was the PERFECT not so first date. (We even bought outfits to wear on our date without realizing the other did! lol.)

* I am def. looking into getting an apartment. I am deciding if I want a one bedroom or if I want to live with my friend Emma. But...if I get a one bedroom, by that time, Taurean and I will have been dating for 2 years (August) and I was thinking and kinda asking him to move in with me? I know he probably wouldn't go for that, but...maybe? What do you think?

^_^

Piercing

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 06:44:43 GMT

So I ended up getting my nose pierced on the 20th.

I am not sure, but I think there is a little bump on the inside of my nose where the screw thing is. It doesn't hurt or anything, but I think there is one.

Blah. I hate piercings already lol.

I have a six page paper to write. Bahhh.

She's a fertile Urkel!

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:49:50 GMT

So, I guess I should probably update on what happened between me and the boy.

Well. I talked to one of Taurean's friends the night of the inaguration. He really helped me figure things out and I was able to unwind. The not so good part was, I cooled off so much that, I wasn't mad at him anymore. I can never stay mad at him! Even when he deserves it! When I was on my way to his friend's house, I get a text from T that was really nonchalant and saying HEY! and all kinds of shiz. I was still sore that he was there without me but I text him back. Eventually he said that he may need to take me up on my offer I had made to him the day before. I told him that, if he needed money or anything to let me know and I would help him out. SO. I wired him money just so he would have enough to come home.

Yeah.

I know.

That was a whole fiasco in itself. He didn't know the address and was getting really frustrated, I think because he hated that he had to ask me for money in addition to not knowing how to send money wired. But that got resolved. And I know he felt like a jerk for being rude to me. He ended up leaving late morning Wednesday and we kept in touch through text. He did thank me numerous times for the money, tho.

He needed to be back by Thursday for class, but he was so shot for sleep that he pulled over on Wednesday night and slept. (After asking me for a 6 am wake up call of course) And then he drove the rest of the way here. He did miss his classes, but, his safety was really all I was concerned with. When he got back to Brandon he had to head straight for work. Then he text me asking me if I had to work that night. Hm...I told him no, and he was like Oh. So I knew he was gonna be difficult and I asked him why he asked. And he said if I didn't have anything to do would I like to hang around his work for a bit. He NEVER asks me to come around his job! So I was thrilled but didn't really let it on. The point was, he wanted to see me. And he knew it.

But.

That was the last night my sister was in town. v_V So, I stopped by his work first since I hadn't seen him in a week, hung out and he closed up really really quick. I felt bad cuz he closed so fast and asked if I was coming over, and I had to tell him no, cuz I wanted to be with my sister. When we were hugging goodbye he told me I didn't have to stop by the store and I said I know but I wanted to see him. And he said I know, I wanted to see you too! So he diiid wanna see me. Than I told him I would come over later that night or earlier the next morning but that didn't happen either. Whoops! lol.

But, Friday morning, my sister left. = (

T didn't have work on Saturday so I came over Friday night to hang all day Saturday and then leave Sunday.

That's when everything happened.

Friday night it was late and we didn't really talk at ALL. And he was getting ready to go to bed and we were just laying there when I got up, couldn't take it anymore and I turned on the lights and asked him flat out what the hell was going through his mind the Friday night before for him to walk away from me!

*Hours later*

We really did argue for at LEAST an hour and a half. Had to be. I wanted to die it was so dang long. lol. But first we talked about our original fight and then I told him how he needs to treat me different. And I try so hard to be the best girlfriend to him (which he agreed).

So it was yelling. There was some crying. There were some attitudes. Then there were calm words. And then there were apologies. (Got one outta him. Whoo!) I think our problem was, we kept asking each other to do things the other couldn't. (Me demanding he drop things for me, and him demanding that I didn't get angry so much) yada yada. And it was me that said, alright. We aren't going to like everything about each other. We need to take this case by case. If there is something I don't like, I am going to bring it up. And if he can honestly say he can't do that for me then I will evaluate accordingly. But I told him that I wasn't trying to change who he is. But if he isn't making me feel good then we are gonna have to talk. So we are trying to work on the whole accepting us how we are thing.

And let's just say after that talk, he brought me Breakfast in Bed.

Yup.

^_~

This time I want it all

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:02:52 GMT

Prologue: T has never met my dad as my boyfriend. Last Saturday I asked if he would like to the following Saturday (this past Saturday). He said he had stuff to do. He had "stuff to do" so he couldn't meet my family.

FRI: (Tech. Sat) Went to see the midnight showing of NOTORIOUS with T. We went to Steak n Shake afterwards. Got into a little argument about a part in the movie, stopped talking. Then I asked him what he was doing the next day (Sat.) which was my dad's dinner. He said "Helping a friend". And then I asked which friend? He said "A good friend". He was like deliberately not telling me. So we got into ANOTHER argument because I wanted to know what was so damn important. And he said he didn't know why I was controlling him. And I said you are being so dramatic right now. And then he said "Oh, this coming from the DRAMA QUEEN!" Which hit a nerve. And I asked him why does he always say things to intentionally hurt me? To which he said why do I intentionally try and hurt HIM, blah blah he said a bunch of other shit. He said he didn't know why I didn't see that this was important to him or whatever. And then I said You are being a jerk right now. And then he got up and left me at SnS. Good thing I had my car.

SAT: When I left SnS it was 4:30 in the morning. Talked to my friend Tanya, got to sleep at 5:30. Woke up at 7 am to go to Stampeed of Service. Volunteered. Went home, took a shower. Went to work from 4-8. Then went BACK to work from 10PM to what was supposed to be 6AM because we were redoing the store. We didn't talk to each other at ALL. I finally text him at 11 at night. Then again at 2. And then I called him. A few times. No response. I finally said if he didn't text me, I would assume we are over.

SUN: I ended up working until 10 AM the next morning. So when I got home I get a text from HIM. He said something smart like "Sorry, I guess I am supposed to have my phone on me all the time. " And I told him I can't do this with him because I just worked 16 hours. He apologized, I went to sleep, text him around 5. I asked if he wanted some food and he told me to save him some because he had an important decision he needed to make by the next day and he asked if it was ok if he had some alone time. I said yeah. I knew what he was gonna say tho. Went back to sleep. Text him around 11 saying I was sorry about the night before. He said its ok, we'll talk about it later. And goodnight. Went back to sleep.

MON: Woke up around 10am, MLK Dialouge. When I was driving home, he text me HAPPY MLK DAY! : ) And I was like what? So I knew something was up. I told him You too. And then He said How are you doing? So I REALLY knew something was up. And I said I am ok. And then he said "I made my important decision. I am going to do it. I am going to the inaguration."

Which I knew before he even told me. And so he has basically been texting me like nothing ever happened between us. And I found out that when he had text me, he was JUST leaving.

So thats the whole thing. He might not even make it on time. He expects to get there RIGHT on time. But he said its more than just getting there, its a personal journey. Whatever that means.

I want him to get there ok. AND on time.

But I know that when he gets back, I need to have a discussion with him. Because I am just so tired of his getting up and leaving. All the time.

I love him so much. I am so IN love with him.

But the way he treats me? I can't do it anymore. He says that he is always hurting me and I deserve someone better. But he never changes his actions.

I have to tell him if things don't change, I have to walk.

: (

::goes off to lay on the couch unable to sleep::

Don't mind this

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:40:51 GMT

I wish that,

as long as you loved someone, and cared about someone, that would be enough.

I wish that,

as long as you loved someone, and cared about someone, you would be together.

And I wish that,

if you loved someone, and cared about someone, things would be easy.

I feel sad for you both.

The kind of person I am

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:38:51 GMT

I recieve a $231 dollar speeding ticket on Thursday.

On Friday, I proceed to cash my paychecks in order to surprise Taurean with another digital camera since the one he had (the Christmas gift I bought him) stopped working a few months ago and he was so bummed about it.

................the things we do for love.

Advice

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 04:46:57 GMT

Does anyone know of a good piercing place to go to?

"A Whole New World" 14 months <3

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:34:56 GMT

Taurean has been so nice to me lately.

Not that he usually isn't. But he's been acting similarly to how it was in the beginning.

He must be up to something.

^_^

Last Sunday Taurean surprised me with tickets to see the RENT: Filmed live on Broadway "movie". Those tickets were $20 dollars a ticket. I could hardly believe he would spend that on me. It was especially surprising because I had mentioned this "movie" a month ago and I hadn't brought it up since. I just assumed we weren't going to see it because he is always working and Sundays are his game days. But he tivo'd the game and took me to see the show.

It was incredible. I was in awe. The actual MOVIE version was amazing, and I saw it at the TBPAC which was excellent too. But this was astounding. It might've been because it was the last ever show. The end of an era. So they were all on point. I couldn't stop crying the second act. What is so great about it is that Taurean enjoys it too. So he wasn't like lording it over to me that he was doing this just for me. But it was something we both enjoyed.

Afterwards I went to his house and he turned on the game. I was so tired so I took a little nap. And I must've shivered or something because he got up from his game without a word and got me a blanket. Then I must've shivered AGAIN because he got me another blanket and a pillow too. And let me fall asleep on him. <3

We kinda got into a little tiff on Wednesday, about gender roles of all things. And Taurean gave his views on it, and I was upset so when he was finished, he asked if I had anything to say about it. And I just shook my head no. Which I know frustrated him. But when he gets a little upset, I never know how to talk about my views on things. I need to speed up my thoughts. v_v

On Friday, I was hanging around at school and it was just an all around horrible day. I said I was going to go get myself a smoothie from the mall. And then I mentioned that I wish he could see my outfit. So I left school and went to get my smoothie, disappointed cuz I thought he might've gotten the hint and came over there. Then I walked into Claire's and I got a phone call from him. I turned around and I saw him walking past! I sprinted out of the store and knocked into him. lol. He came and visited me for about 30 minutes and walked around with me. It was so great just seeing him before he had to go to work.

Later that day we were both invited to a party, but we had to work. Well, I was supposed to me him at his work at 7pm but me being me, I was late. He wanted to drive over to the party on his break, so I told him to go ahead and I would meet him there. Well, I had gotten there around 7:45 and he had asked for an hour break so I got to see him for about 10 minutes before he had to speed back to work. I felt so bad! I hung around the party for a bit and then he asked me to drive to his work and hang around with him until he got off at 10. It was the least I could do, so I drove back over to Brandon from Riverview to go see him. I helped him close up the store so he got done much faster.

What I love about Taurean is he is always the life of the party wherever he goes. He doesn't care, he just has fun. At first I was a little embarrased (The party was 80s themed so there was a TON of old dances galore) but then I was like, ok, we're just having fun. Let's be silly! So me and him jumped around the party together and it was a blast. He taught me how to merengue with him (yup, HE taught ME haha) and so I know we will be doing more of that in the future. It was so great.

After that party (which was filled with older people) was the after party, naturally. We hung out and they put on the baseball game. Taurean talked to me about it and we talked and it was just fun. Then we left and while I was driving we got to talk some more. He shared a lot of little things that I love hearing about. It may not seem important or relevant, but its a part of him and I love hearing about it.

When we got to his house we watched t.v. for a bit, and he was excited because the Jackie Chan adventures cartoon was on. (He loves Jackie). I was beat tho. It was about 2am. And I fell asleep on his lap because I wasn't feeling too good. Next thing I know he led me to his room and sat me on his bed. I was really disoriented and then I realized that he was changing my clothes so I could get to sleep! It was probably the most adorable thing ever. I never felt so taken care of. And then he held on to me all night. And when around 8 in the morning I said that I was hurting, he got up without a word and brought me a coke and some tylenol to take. <3 <3 <3 And then he let me sleep some more until he had to wake me up so I could take him to work. (He left his car over by his job because we took mine to the party)

Today he text me to say he begged to have Wednesday the 15th off because there is a Homecoming Ball at my school and I asked him to go with me.

AND, I forgot to mention, but he bought me a ticket to the Last Damn Show 10 for November 10th.

Taurean Wong. He drives me absolutely crazy sometimes, makes me worry about him, and annoys me, but it is absolutely impossible not to be in love with him.

I am anxiously waiting until I can see him next.